If I’ve learned anything from applying for the Sony Female Alpha Creator-In-Residence program it was to check your fear at the door, re-write everything a few times, proof it over and over, and re-write it again.
Fear is one of those things that is constantly there trying to keep us safe, as fear should. However, there is a time and place for fear and that time and place is not when you’re boldly and fiercely trying to pursue your dreams. Fear can be debilitating and even down-right paralyzing. It can be the voice in your head that tears everything down and keeps it in a broken state. I appreciate fear but as I said, it has its time and place. 2018 didn’t make me fearless but it made me learn to acknowledge it’s presence and kindly ask it to step aside. 2018 taught me all about denial as well. Where I thought I was being brave, I was really just in denial and trying to ignore my own problems. 2018 was a great year because I learned so much about myself and what I was capable of.
For the first six months, I dreaded what would happen after leaving a position I created at a company that I helped to shape. Was I making the same mistakes again? Was I running and disguising it as “following my heart”? All of these thoughts plagued my brain for weeks and for the better part of 2018, my work was centered around fear and this chapter of my life. It was the best way for me to explain what I was feeling and heal. It was also a way to connect with people because I also knew that I was not alone in my feelings.
June came and went and I dove into freelancing. Then, as the summer came to an end the Sony Female Alpha Creator-In-Residence program came into my life and for the better part of Fall, that is all I could think about. The process of applying for such an ambitious grant really taught me about focus, putting your 100% effort into something and seeing it through to the very end. It also taught me about proofing my work and being more intentional with my words. For example, this is the third draft of this blog post and it is only in this third draft that I realized my topic should be fear.
In 2018, I set some very ambitious goals for myself – some which I met and some which I didn’t. I learned that it was okay to not obtain certain goals and adjust them as the year went on. I’ve learned that what happens is that we can sometimes set goals that are too ambitious for the time frame we allow ourselves and instead of being kind to ourselves and making adjustments we give up all together. Don’t give up in 2019 – instead reassess and adjust. Practice kindness for yourself and most importantly, document all of your successes so as the year winds down you’ll have more motivation to push right on to the very end.
So as I move into 2019 and realize that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible before, I am setting a new personal resolution for myself. In 2019, I want to learn how to truly forgive, let go and practice acceptance.
Lastly, I would like to take a moment to thank each and everyone of you for your support in 2018. I am especially grateful to my family for supporting me through another twist in my personal journey towards finding happiness. To everyone who came to any of my art shows or purchased art from me – thank you. You are supporting my dream and allowing me to do what truly lights me up everyday. I have an infinite amount of gratitude for you. To my friends who have dropped encouraging words along the way or shared with me how they connected with one of my pieces, thank you. There is no grater compliment to me than knowing that one of my pieces moved you enough to share with me your personal stories and experiences.